Shi no Uta, Awai Kioku no Naka
by Summer72
Summary: Eren thought whether he's going to die (Semi-AU, potency of OOC, unbeta-ed, sorry orz)


Title: **Shi no Uta, Awai Kioku no Naka** (Song of Death, Inside Pale Memories)

Disclaimer: I own nothing ;;/;;

Warning: Unbeta-ed, semi-AU, potency of OOC, sorry orz; and oh yeah, chara death because Natz loves angst #no

* * *

At first, he saw red then felt pain. Just before he could really comprehend, he's already smashed on to the wall (his ribs cracked in awful sounds, throbbed his damaged lungs, threatening his already weakened heart).

Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump.

He could hear clearly the life inside him still desperately wanted to burn its candle in the storm of rushing Gods of Death. Views in front of him blurred; his mind completely was pulled away into deep comfortable slumber of death. It was red before him. It was.

It had already been so, that's why he wasn't surprise.

"Am I... going to die?" Rhetorical question, yet it helped his mind to not budge to the temptation of death. "Am…I—"

"Are you, scum?"

The voice startled him more than it should be. Eren looked up, widening his eyes at the sight of a certain figure looking down nonchalantly at him (at his vulnerable state); Rivaille, looking ever so neat yet Eren noticed the slight stain on his coat. _Was it red? _Eren was bewildered at the moment, he didn't really care (in absurd unpredictable situation like battle, anything could happen). His eyes were blurred but not by red this time, it's something more warmth. Eren tried not to blink away the tears, not want to shut the image before him. It's Corporal Rivaille; the utter fact made him broken in endearing feelings.

Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump.

"Are you going to die?" Rivaille asked once again, cold as always. He stepped forward, closing the distances between them. There were bloods dripping down onto Eren's legs, chest, and right cheek. Somehow, it sent jolt of strange feelings at the younger's mind; at the dark corner of his brain. _What was it? Whose blood? Mine?_ …o_f course_—his inner selfish self shoved off the awkward feeling and instead dug out a certain memory: not beautiful but still dearest in its own way.

Maybe it's because he was going to die. Maybe it's because of Corporal Rivaille. Maybe because even in this dangerous absurd situation, he thought of wanting to be enveloped once again (by those arms; rough yet safer than anything).

"Am I…?" Eren laughed, more to himself.

Rivaille still watched the boy with a nonchalant look.

Eren's mind began to wander: to that time.

Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump.

Ba-thump.

* * *

Crowds cheered with hopes; no happy applauses, no glorious celebrations, only hopes (desperate hopes). Eren watched a group of scouting legion with high expectations, but more with envy because he wanted to immediately be part of them, hunting and killing titans (lots of them). As the cheers went louder, Eren knew a certain person passing by: his admiration, Corporal Rivaille. On his horse, the corporal didn't even try to hide his annoyance, but Eren looked at him with an obvious awe and most envy feeling.

How much he wanted to be like him: talented, gifted, calm, and fierce. It's a figure majorly all aiming to scouting legion wanted to be, even when in a training squad, there're already few who had a potential to those characteristics (for example, Mikasa—Eren bitterly admitted). Still, he admired the corporal (because Eren was quite young, still in training, and unconsciously searched an 'ideal'—a complete 'stranger').

Admiration gave birth to curiosity. Curiosity gave birth to obsession. Obsession, later, led to a genuine yet awkward but more sacred feeling like love, in a platonic way. But then, the platonic feeling (the feeling he tried hard to keep it that way) turned into something surprisingly more genuine: a real love along with something closer to lust (even Eren didn't want to admit that).

Eren never asked his friends the absurdity of the idea of wanting to feel what it'd be like to touch Rivaille (to devour or…to be devoured). He didn't want to ask and let the uneasiness go because it's the most absurd at the moment (when all were focusing on fighting and living their life so hard, there he was, bearing an absurd feeling because of his stupid puberty).

"Eren, if you want to talk, don't hesitate" One day Mikasa would say.

"Eren, what's wrong?" Even Armin would sense awkwardness when Eren was spacing out.

And Eren would slap himself mentally and said it was nothing. It was nothing. Eren should not fall lower for he had to think about life (to think of killing all titans, fight for freedom, break through the 'cage', revenge for his mother—his parents, not the absurd feeling that burned a silent flame inside him).

Thank to hectic situations that brought nothing but shades of red and grey along with the awful scent of iron and metal, Eren could ignore for a while. Reality, once again, hit hard on him. Tears and screams made him blind and deaf for times to any other senses, except the feel of desperation and determination to keep fighting. Eren thought he could forget and walked on—

And there, destiny (or rather his unconscious wish?) played with him when Rivaille's stare was full right on him at a time (cold, nonchalant, superior, and fierce). Eren couldn't help not to be drawn into the eyes. It's as if the silent flame once again burnt wildly inside him (the forbidden feeling).

"Know your place, scum" With that, their eye-contact broke but flame inside Eren burnt wilder than ever. He wanted to know more what it'd be like to touch the man (to devour or…to be devoured; those fierceness, the rough yet assuring self).

Stronger Eren wished his feeling not to crawl out surface, stronger he hoped the corporal to 'notice'. It was like playing hide and seek. And he knew it was only a matter of time until he'd be found by anyone. Again, he blamed all on his stupid puberty, but what if... what if actually it was a painful longing? Actually he wanted to be pulled away from this cruel world? Somewhere safe, somewhere he could pretend it reality instead where he was currently living.

_Pathetic_.

"Oi"

Eren gasped. He turned to the source and found the fierce look of a certain figure that had been torturing his mind. It was so late in the night and Eren just strolled down the training ground in order to find some tranquility. Yet there, the so-called destiny—or rather his unconscious wish?—twisted another thread, playing with him.

"..._Hei—chou_? What are—"

Rivaille grabbed Eren's collar and the latter noticed the strength was unexpected (just where did he hide such in that body?). "You're annoying me lately, Jeager. If you're so desperate, fine, I'll let you learn" He pushed Eren so hard the boy hit the ground. "Come" Rivaille turned around.

Perplexed, Eren followed the corporal. His fastening heartbeats were almost suffocating, it hurt. Rivaille's words rang wild and loud in his mind. Eren started to get scared. Had he been found? He thought if it was Mikasa or Armin, or his friends it'd be fine. They would make fun of him but it'd be fine, because by times they'd forget. They'd think it was just a fleeting thing (they'd rather focus to live hard in this world than to bother someone's absurdness) and Eren would use it as an excuse for himself to completely throw away feelings that would certainly get in his way to take revenge and break free from the chain named 'this' world.

But it's Rivaille himself, apparently, who had found out. Eren shuddered at that assumption and his heart almost leaped out of ribs upon noticing it's a storehouse the corporal had led him to. Scent of metal and blood were too thick Eren almost choked (but actually it was more because of the fluttering inside him; scare, ashamed, yet…yet, he could notice there's strange anticipation too).

Eren cleared his throat, trying to stay clueless. "_Heichou_, Sir?" Although in truth, he really didn't have any clue. The fluttering him inside was merely playing with emotions: the wish, the hope, the love…the lust—

Ba-thump.

Eren almost forgot to breathe when he saw the said corporal was stripping off his shirt calmly like it was nothing. The fluttering inside him gradually became a whirl of mixed emotions. Eren didn't know how to respond, to react, so he just stood there, looking confused—scared, yet...

"Take your shirt off. I don't want a mess" It's a command.

Still, no response.

Rivaille furrowed his brows in annoyance. "I've said I'd let you learn, scum" He stepped closer. "I've seen more than you. I knew what you're bearing; disgusting thing. That's why I'll let you learn. Now, take your shirt off"

…

Rivaille found out.

The assumption was right.

The whirling emotions inside him went too strong it seemed to be calmed at a sudden.

_How should I…?_

Eren wanted so much to run away but his body refused. He was confused, scared, ashamed, yet at the same time feeling relieved. Why should he? He began to mock himself. It was unexpected but still a part of his wish. And there, he had the chance, but it seemed simultaneously wrong; so wrong and right at the same time. Yet, Eren obeyed, taking off his shirt—

A strong push on him, Eren fell on to the ground. Rivaille looked down annoyingly, clearly underestimating, but he wasn't fooling around (he was serious; as always be). That's why Eren didn't know how to respond. It was his wish. It was his only absurd sinful wish and there Rivaille would make it happen. He didn't mean to—it was too fast. Eren made excuses in his head, but he knew it's all in vain because his body denied.

"Keep your voice low," commanded Rivaille, leaning down.

**_Admiration gave birth to curiosity. Curiosity gave birth to obsession. Obsession, later, led to a genuine yet awkward but more sacred feeling like love, in a platonic way. But then, the platonic feeling turned into something surprisingly more genuine: a real love along with something closer to lust._**

Eren bit his lower lip, shutting his eyes tight.

…_to devour or…to be devoured..._

_So, at last he'd know…_

Rivaille's touches weren't gentle—_Eren gasped for air, desperately suppressing moans_—they're rough as expected, fierce, but true, strong, you'd feel safe within—_his nails dug other's skin as the corporal entered the boy's body_—no patience, no intention to wait and to guide, just a straightforward feeling—_tears rolled down Eren's cheeks; it's painful that it's comfortable_—honesty.

**…_but what if actually it was a painful longing? Actually he wanted to be pulled away from this cruel world? Somewhere safe, somewhere he could pretend it reality instead where he was currently living?_**

Within half-unconscious bewildered mind, the comfortable pain, the overwhelming presence enveloping him tight, the scent of metal and iron and sweats and stuffs mingled, Eren somehow began deluding he had been living in a hazy dream. That nothing had been real. The world had been never the 'world' he currently lived. He felt so relieved. It was safe there. It was safe within. The pain was like hallucinogen (even if Eren hadn't touched such things), it made him forget, it pulled his consciousness away to the ideal 'world' within his mind; his only utopia.

He could almost see his parents smiling—

Armin and Mikasa laughing with him.

No more walls—

No more cages.

These hands enveloping him, the skin that met his; the safe sanctuary even though it wasn't sacred, it wasn't pure, it was achieved through guilty pleasure (sinful and disgusting)—but they're human. They're human; filth, disgusting, selfish, coward, cruel, ugly, rebel, sinful—but grotesque, at the same time kind, warm, and 'beautiful'; like this world.

**_Like this world too—_**

Eren blinked, feeling so cold, empty but the whirling emotions inside him had calmed (the silent flame went out unnoticed, quietly, slowly). He felt tired and messy, but at the same time it's as if the unidentified 'burden' in him had been lift. He wasn't going to be forgiven for the sin, deep inside he knew that, but it was fine like that. He thought he could let go, though would definitely miss the nostalgic feeling.

"You must make sure it won't be a second time" Rivaille's voice broke the hazy sphere between them. He calmly talked as cleaning himself with Eren's shirt. "It was nothing. It was a fleeting. If you have such passion left, add that completely into fighting will. We're living in unforgivable world right now. First, break free from this cage. Then—" He tossed the shirt to wide-eyed Eren. Rivaille, as cold as always, gave a fierce look (as always). "It's up to you—for hell I care" With that, he left.

Views before him were blurred. Tears finally made their way again on his cheeks. In silence, cuddling his own shirt, Eren cried as if he had been never crying for a long time.

**—_filth, disgusting, selfish, coward, cruel, ugly, rebel, sinful—but grotesque, at the same time kind, warm, and 'beautiful'; like this world._**

**_Like this world._**

* * *

Eren coughed a blood. Laughing seemed to quicken his end. Staggered breathes, weakened heartbeat, numbed senses; Eren looked up, curving a bitter smile. "I... remembered something—once...you told me..." He paused. "_Heichou_—"

"Are you going to die?"—the same question. Rivaille didn't seem to waver by the vulnerable sight in front of him, still cold, still stoic.

Wanting to chuckle again, Eren stared down, looking red bathing him violently. "I…" Blood was dripping down, endlessly... endlessly...

It was his blood.

Closing eyes, slowly as the light of his candle was fluttering helplessly within the storm of Thousand Gods of Death, his memories started to projecting scenes behind the lids, projecting faces, so many familiar faces (his parents, Armin, Mikasa, Jean, Marco, Connie, Annie, Reiner, Berthold—too fast they're blurring but Eren had already felt painful longing tingling inside him). He was going to die. It was his last. (—ten—hundred—thousand—million faces—wordless soundless fighting screams—tears—corpses—thousand—million corpses—mutilated—too cruel—red—red—red—red—Rivaille—

**"_First, break free from this cage. Then—it's up to you—for hell I care—_**

**—_L-live…"_**

Eren gasped, opening his eyes abruptly. He coughed blood again by such sudden act. What was it? What was the scene he saw? Red... all Red... and the corporal...

His mind worked hard to connect the awkwardness. Blood was still dripping—on him, endlessly... endlessly...

Endlessly...

_Wasn't it mine?_

His breathe stopped for a while.

**"_L-live…" Rivaille shoved his bloody fist on to Eren's chest. A fierce look slowly was clouding with death._**

!

...

"Aren't you going to answer me?" Rivaille seemed a little impatient.

Eren looked up, startled. Tears began to flow down unconsciously, uncontrollably. It wasn't his blood. It wasn't. The fact made his already numb heart ached painfully. It wasn't his blood.

"_Hei...chou_?" Eren stared at the corporal with flood of emotions in his eyes.

"You're not going to answer? Do you want to die? Do you want to live? I have no time"

Eren finally remembered all; it's not hazy anymore inside his mind. The memory of that day was clear as it stabbed hurt on his fading existence. Slowly, he lifted a shaking hand, touched the corporal's boot (it was cold like ice). He bowed down and began to sob. It's hurt. It's hurt too much he preferred to die rather than to be stabbed by the red memory.

It's his fault.

"Answer me, Jeager"

_Take me..._

_..._

Eren coughed.

_Take me... I don't want to live..._

_It's too cruel... too cruel I can't take it anymore..._

_I want to be safe… with you..._

_Take me..._

Eren breathed hard. "...me" The mental and physical pain formed a lump at his throat, he couldn't properly vocal anymore words.

"I can't hear you"

**—_L-live…"_**

Eren shook his head, coughing, sobbing.

**—_filth, disgusting, selfish, coward, cruel, ugly, rebel, sinful—but grotesque, at the same time kind, warm, and 'beautiful'; like this world._**

He just wanted to die. He wanted to leave. He wanted to follow him.

**—_his parents smiling—_**

**_Armin and Mikasa laughing with him—_**

**"_When this is over, let's see the 'outside' together"_**

"..." Eren paused, remembering faces—familiar faces, remembering dream, remembering hope, remembering his fighting will—

"EREN!"

"EREN!"

It's Armin's. It's Mikasa's. Eren looked up and he could see the two precious existences rushing toward him from the hazy gray-reddish mist: their worry faces, their breakable painful worry faces.

**"_L-live…"_**

**"_First, break free from this cage. Then—it's up to you—for hell I care—"_**

Ba-thump.

"...live" Eren could feel the red memory was still stabbing him mercilessly. Endlessly. Endlessly like the corporal's blood dripping down on to him.

**—_filth, disgusting, selfish, coward, cruel, ugly, rebel, sinful—but grotesque, at the same time kind, warm, and 'beautiful'; like this world._**

**"_Break free—"_**

...

"...live" Eren bit his lower lip with bitter expression, slowly withdrawing his hand. "I want... to... "

**"_Break free—"_**

Eren closed his shaking hands into fists. "I WANT TO LIVE!" He screamed then coughed lot amounts of blood, but the candle of his life burnt wilder, stronger, fiercely. The red memory destroyed him but he thought it was fine like that. He shouldn't be forgiven. He shouldn't run away. "I want..."

He shouldn't.

Rivaille smiled a little. "Fine" He turned around, making distances.

"EREN!"

Eren watched as the mist cleared out, the corporal turned into transparent air—gradually, gradually. He was still crying. Tears were flowing down; endlessly.

Armin and Mikasa stopped, falling down beside their vulnerable precious friend, looking ever so painful upon finding the latter crying with bitter expression. It brought them to tears as well. And there, the three of them, like lost children within red shades of blood (corpses watched in cold silent), crying out loud; endlessly, endlessly.

"_It's fine. You chose wisely. You should live; keep living as long as you're still breathing even you don't want to. First, break free from this cage, from your chain. Then, it's up to you, Jeager"_

.End.

By Natz^^v on Sunday, 21 July 2013 at 2.37 p.m according to ChibiChan

Note: whut? Wth with this lame... I can't even orz Sorry for everything ;;w;; huhuhu~


End file.
